Five Positive Parenting Techniques

I've found that even on the best days, there are things that I can learn about how to improve my parenting. Thankfully, the things I learn have helped me during my worst of days! (Because let's face it, we all have them!)

I recently attending a mini-training session with Gail and Kelly from the Early Childhood Program at Howard Center to address various parenting techniques. Of the many strategies they teach and model during their own playgroups, they targeted FIVE positive parenting techniques.

Do you feel like a broken record (err, umm, scratched CD??) Tired of listening to a whiny child? Is your child continuously acting out? Read on and give some of these strategies a try!

Say What You Mean

• Use direct statements when letting your child know something is required of him or her.
  For example: When it's time to leave playgroup: "Please go get your coat and put it on." Or, "Please take my hand and walk to the car with me."
  Don't say: "Do you want to go get your coat and put it on?" Or, "It would be great if you took my hand, OK?"
• Offer choices or end with a question mark only when there really is a choice.
• Respect your child's rhythms by giving some warning before all direct statements.

I try to be polite when asking telling my toddler to do things. I say things like: "Owen, could you please put your bowl in the sink." I think I am giving him a direction, but he clearly sees through this and tells me "No." Now I know why. (Ok, part of it is him being strong-willed.) BUT... I've been really focusing on the strategy above, and I have to say, it's working. Yes, sometimes I hear "No," but more often than not, he magically complies!

Show Appreciation...
... and you will reinforce the behaviors and actions you want to see more often.

• Comment positively often! (and with details)
  For Example:
  • "I love how you figured out how that truck works!"
  • "I thought your play-dough creature was fabulous!"
  • "I really appreciate how you took turns with that doll."
• Thank your children!
  For Example:
  • "Thank you so much for getting your coat on the first time I asked."
  • "Thank you for holding my hand when we walked to the car."
• Catch them doing well! We all love to be recognized when we do well!

I have to pat myself on the back for this one, because it is something we are always practicing at home. Know how I've figured out it works?? Here is a conversation from the other day:
     Owen (to the dog): Piper, out, out of my room, please.
     Piper (the dog) goes out.
     Owen (to Piper): Good job Piper for getting out of my room.

Change It Up! (It's all about perspective)
When misbehavior start rising:

• Get physically near to your child, at their level.
• Say very little. (Keep it short and sweet!)
• Join in to the play, game, or activity.
• Redirect with your own play, introducing a new element (a different toy, character, a song, a silly game, etc).
• Be an appealing alternative that changes the direction of the misbehavior.

I run a home childcare program and have used this technique A LOT. All of my small friends have little minds of their own, and it gets crazy sometimes. I use all of the above bullet points above at various times to channel their behaviors. Let's take throwing toys. When projectiles start to fly, instead of completely halting play, I change it up and replace hard toys with the stuffed animals and soft poof balls (I use shower poofs), get my empty toy basket out and engage the kids in some "basket ball." I encourage their need to throw (great gross motor skill!!) yet, maintain a happy and safe environment.

Establish Routines
Create familiar repetitive routines because:

• You child will learn what is expected more quickly.
• Becoming too hungry, too tired, or too anxious happens WAY less.
• Familiar activities/schedules help our brains relax.
• Exploring new people, places, or activities is easier if baseline routines are in place.
• You will be able to enjoy each other more and reinforce rules less!

 My paternal grandmother had 11 children, and my maternal grandma had 4 children under 2 years old (my uncle, aunt, mom and her twin-- each almost exactly 1 year apart. eek!) When I ask them how they managed, having a routine was what kept them sane. I've noticed the same. Our daily sequence is fairly similar each day. Much of our day revolves around meal and sleep times. Then there are the small routines between. Take, for example, preparation for meal-time. We are big on hand-washing, but in the beginning, one of my small friends was not so keen on doing this. It delayed her meal time and she was not happy about that! After a few days of following through with this (see more about that next!), she now readily hops up on the step-stool and washes up without a fuss!

And lastly....

Follow Through, Follow Through, Follow Through...
... THE MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL

• Let your child know what is coming next, and then do it.
  For Example: "When I finish talking to my friend, we will be leaving playgroup." Or, "In 5 minutes, it will be your turn to have the truck."
• Promise fun stuff only if you are sure it can happen.
• When you have to set a limit, mean it. Clear, calm consequences are very effective. (Threats or multiple warnings, not so much!)

I am envisioning tantrums. I'm not ashamed to say they happen at my house too (and other places, like the grocery store). I have been working hard with this last strategy. I am a big fan of giving warnings, but I have to make a conscious effort to keep these to a minimum. Owen has caught on, and he will say: "Mama, THIS one is the last time down the slide! (Because he knows all the other "last times" didn't count.)

Here's my success story: He likes to "help" me shop by finding things he wants to buy (books, stuffed animals, etc). Sure, I've bought a couple of these things, but my budget usually tells me not to. I now set the expectation/limit: "That is a nice bear! You can hold it while we shop. It's not on our shopping list, so we are not going to bring it home with us." At the end of our trip, I give him a warning: "It's almost time to leave/pay. We need to put Mr. Bear back." And we do just that. Sometimes it's hard for him. Sometimes he cries, moans, groans, screeches, clutches on to it and says it's "hiding." I put on my super mommy cape (invisible to most) and tell him that Mr. Bear needs to stay at the store. But other times, he is the one who wears the super boy cape..... and he reminds ME to put it back.